WriteAway

Unite, women of the U.S.! Please do not be fooled by the hype you’re hearing from the left, all that stuff about the economy, education, public service (God knows, we’ve already got our hands full enough keeping the kids—and our husbands—out of trouble), and all of that left-wing blather about tax cuts for middle-class Americans! We’re tired of hearing about how intelligent and well-educated Obama is, all that “who cares” stuff about the Harvard Law Review, the fact that he was a professor of constitutional law before running for office. Boring! Who cares? I’ve never trusted really smart people, especially if they’re really smart and educated. And somebody who graduated near the top of his class (after working his way through school) isn’t somebody most of us can relate to on a gut level.

But McCain… we all can certainly relate to him: graduated in the bottom third of his class, was always in trouble, preferred to party-hardy than study. Love that! And he’s been really good about how he answers almost every question (or did, for a while). No matter what the subject was—the economy, education, health care, alternative energy—his answer, as often as not, has been the same and basically reminded us that he really doesn’t need to have any specific plan on any issue since he was shot down forty-some years ago and spent a really long time in a POW camp. Being a national hero from the last century is the only necessary qualification for everything. The only thing that bothers me about it is that he can’t possibly be the only genuine American hero still living, so maybe we should round them all up and have a group presidency, especially all the ones who haven’t gotten any acknowledgment at all, let alone all the glory McCain has heaped upon himself and demanded from everyone else.

And the pick for vice president on the left? Give me a break, for heaven’s sake! Do you remember what Biden said when Clinton, Obama, and Edwards were working so hard at topping each other about who would get the troops out of Iraq the fastest? Biden, if you remember, told them all to (basically) shut up and quit lying to the American people, to get real and remember that it’s not a decision the president can make on his or her own; that Congress would have to write the legislation, fight about it for a while, then maybe pass it before any of them could do anything at all. Talk about an “uppity” politician! Biden gets my vote for that label.

Just compare how nicely the Republicans “played” together during the primaries. When somebody asked them about their religious beliefs (maybe something like if they believed the bible is the literal word of God), before raising their hands, they looked around to make sure everybody else was raising their hands too. How nice that they could agree like that, even Rudy Giuliani (though he might have skipped a couple of chapters last time he read the bible). But it was very courteous of each of them to make sure everybody else was also voting “Yes” for God before casting their own votes.

Now, considering that McCain is really old (I’m older than dirt and he’s older than I am) and that his health hasn’t always been perfect (was that a thousand pages of medical history he submitted?), his successor is very important! Obviously, McCain should be elected (he is, after all, the one you’d like to party with, and not only because his wife owns a large percentage of all the beer in the U.S.)

Again, we have two choices: Biden, who seems to be the straightest talker of all, or Sarah. Why on earth would anyone want to have a Washington insider take over the office, especially one who is the only foreign relations expert on either ticket? Who cares about foreign relations anyhow?

No! Sarah’s our girl! Did you know she was a beauty queen? Not sure if it was Miss Wasilla, or what, but man… she’s pretty, in a kind of a just-like-my-home-room-teacher kind of way. She campaigns with a baby in her arms. I love that! How many of us have had to deal with the latest disaster on the home front with a with a kid in our arms! I’m sure that answering that famous 3:00 a.m. phone call wouldn’t be a problem: “Thanks, Mr. Putin, for giving me a heads up on the impending attack on the U.S. Can I get back to you in a few minutes? The baby’s really croupy. I’ll call you back as soon as I can get him to sleep again.”

Or… “Good evening, White House Red Phone. How may I help you?” … I’m so sorry, Mr. Ahmadinejad, she’s not available this evening. She’s home taking care of a sick baby. May I take your number please?… Yes, I’ll certainly let her know it’s urgent.”

And how much would I have liked having her raise me instead of my mother? Wow. If I’d gotten pregnant when I was seventeen, my mother would have whisked me off to the nearest abortion clinic. Okay, there weren’t any abortion clinics back then, but there were lots of back-alley quacks who would try to get rid of a baby (maybe without even killing the mother in the process) for a big bundle of cash, of course! If I’d survived that, my family would have banished me, shamed beyond belief in the community, with their friends, and with all the “people in high places” with whom they associated.

I know my mother would have done that because she tried to abort me when she discovered she was pregnant at a genuinely inconvenient time. And I know what she would have done it because she taught me when I was really young that there would surely be consequences if I misbehaved, and I ain’t talking about a half-hour time-out in my room.

Sarah handled it so much better: keep the baby, and have a shotgun wedding to make it legitimate. The shotgun wedding is kind of an old fashioned idea, but my mother would have approved, since it’s definitely the right thing to do, even if the father of the child has said that he doesn’t want to get married and definitely doesn’t want any children! I’m not sure the marriage will last long with that kind of poor attitude, but it is the right thing to do. Isn’t it?

And SaRAH! SaRAH! is just so lovable! In case World War Three breaks out during her presidency, she’ll muddle through somehow. After all, she did tell Charles Gibson on TV just yesterday that she’s completely ready to step into the presidency. That’s good, because there are no guarantees that McCain will live to be as old as his mother. My mother lived to a ripe old age, but my father died when he was barely forty-two. I figure I’ve already beat the odds, but don’t for a moment think I can count on that continuing forever.

She did stumble a couple of times when Gibson asked her some tough policy questions but, hey! who wouldn’t have! Gosh, I couldn’t even have answered the question about the Bush Doctrine, and I watch the news every night; okay, almost every night.

But I just love her! She’s a mom.  And she’s not just a mom. She’s a pistol-packing, moose burger-eating, “pit bull with lipstick”, ex-beauty queen WOMAN!  And she’s pretty creative in her interpretation of “per diem” too: I been trying for years to figure out how to get paid for sleeping in my own bed… if you know what I mean. Do you suppose she’d move to Washington, D.C. if she’s crowned. If not, the per diem probably wouldn’t go up much, but I bet the travel expenses would!

GO SARAH! oh, and McCain too…

N.B. The opinions expressed here (just in case you take them seriously) are not necessarily those of the person who actually wrote the piece! The writer refuses to be held responsible for much of anything having to do with the presidential race, the opinions expressed by any of the candidates, or the condition of the country or the world post-election if we don’t think very carefully before we vote or simply don’t bother voting at all.

 

 

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